Help Me Repent

I have trust issues. My trust issues aren’t just about trusting others but trusting myself and most of all trusting God. That’s a pretty cruddy place to be in, when I’ve lost my trust in someone who has already made the ultimate sacrifice. He’s already fulfilled His commitment, His promise, His truth, that he loves beyond measure and can be trusted, wholly and fully. What other proof do I need, right? What could possibly happen to nullify what’s already been done? That’s pretty selfish of me to even think. But, here I am fleecing God to show me that he’s still here with me and that everything is still working for my good.

I would say that I always had trust issues but that’s not completely true. I have been mad at God and wondered why he allowed certain things into my life. Conversely, he’s allowed some things to be removed from my life that I thought were going to be around longer. Only to learn that if they stayed, I’d be insane or worse, dead. I have fallen to my knees and screamed that he shelter me because I was falling into the dark space of true anger and fear far beyond anything that I’ve ever felt. And surprisingly (even though it shouldn’t be a surprise) He’s been there with me through the pain. I’ve been through these ups and downs and time and time again and He, in His time, has revealed some of the whys with the beauty that comes from making it through the fire, the ash, and the pain to reveal unspeakable joy.

Looking back, it seems that I haven’t thanked him enough for saving me from myself even when I didn’t ask, when I thought I could go at it alone. He’s always been there. He’s never left. I’m so sorry Lord. Forgive my disbelief and prideful ways. I’m still perplexed why you chose me everyday, but you do and I’m grateful. Thank you!

JM